I got chatting to a friend of mine the other day who said I should re-post some of her favourite blog posts so my new readers can enjoy them without having to scroll too much so here’s one below that proved to be popular and got lots of laughs…
“Okay I apologise to my best friend as I’m about to get all cynical again but in honour of those single friends who have successfully survived another round of first dates here goes… The Single Girls Guide to Online Dating: Men translated
Attractive = plain
Everyone in online dating classes themselves as ‘attractive.’ In the real world it means has two eyes, two ears and a mouth. He’s highlighting that people don’t cross the road to avoid him, kids don’t run away screaming and dogs don’t bark when he walks passed.
Fairly Attractive = hideous.
When he’s not even claiming to be attractive, it’s time to worry. Andrew Lloyd Webber will look like a Brad Pitt next to this guy. Meeting under the cover of darkness is advised.
Rugby Player’s Build = used to play rugby at school 20 years ago. Stop thinking Jonny Wilkinson and start thinking Johnny Vegas.
I’m a Modern Man = We will be splitting the bill 50/50. I go on three of these internet dates a week and so unless you’re a sure thing you will pay for your own dinner.
Not just looking for sex = I am just looking for sex but hope you won’t see through my cunning reverse psychology.
Willing to Travel = Either lives in a filthy flea-ridden hovel that he can’t possibly let you see or he’s married and can’t risk anyone he knows seeing him out on a date with you.
Adventurous = A pervert. He can turn anything into a double entendre. When you say you’re not interested he’ll reply saying things like “just getting into bed now wish you were here!”
Normal guy = Normal in a Norman Bates kind of way. Normality should be a given, so run a mile from anyone selling it as a good point.
Good Sense of Humour = No sense of humour. Anyone who feels obliged to mention they have a sense of humour is usually devoid of one.
Earns a Six-Figure Salary = Yes, he does but he includes pence in that figure.
Never done this before = Have done this a thousand times before, but I’m too embarrassed to admit it, so will pretend that you’re my first.
Looks not important = So desperate he will date anyone think either scraping the barrel or sex addict
I’m sporty = I watched the Olympics and I watch the footie every weekend in the pub with my mates
Unique = Hermaphrodite
Not into lengthy messaging = I need to secure a date as soon as possible, before you suss out what a tedious dullard I am or that I can’t string a sentence together.
Old Fashioned = Male chauvinist pig. A woman’s place is in the home and, more precisely, the kitchen – preferably cooking his meals and scrubbing his dirty undies.
Traditional = Patronising
Manly = Hairy. Only to be pursued if you like men who moult all over your furniture. Suggest you opt for a dog or cat instead as at least if they get annoying you won’t be arrested for having them put down.
Real man = Huge & Hairy. Could make money from taking photos of him on hiking trips – have you seen the Yeti?
Distinguished = Old. Speak slowly and clearly. The good news is he travels for free, gets in for half-price at the cinema and gets cheaper car insurance.
Unconventional = Clinically Insane. The type of person you cross the road to avoid, even if the road is the M60 in rush hour.
Aspirational = Broke. He has lofty ideas, but not a penny to his name. Expect early-bird specials on your date.
Romantic = Oily creep. The flowers come from the garage forecourt and he calls you ‘babe’ or ‘sweetheart’ because he can’t remember your name as he dates so many girls at once.”